> be me – a collection of greentexts
by Aapo Nikkanen
Did you ever stab yourself to avoid going to jail or got your girlfriend back by kidnapping her dog? Did you ever permanently scar a family with a prank call or reveal that your best friends conception was a porno gone wrong? Or perhaps pulled out a tapeworm out of your girlfriends ass while having sex?
After collecting anonymous stories from the website 4chan.org for several years, Aapo Nikkanen presents a book that recounts those absurd, once in a life time moments that we can all relate to, but for the most part hope will never have to actually face. It is a hilarious, heartwarming and distressing collection of stories that have the ability to make you laugh out loud – and cringe at the same time.
In order to make reading experience as convenient as possible, the book was edited especially with the smartphone user in mind, letting the reader easily swipe from one story to the next (don’t worry, it works great on tablets and computers as well)..
Be Me is a collection of anonymous short stories called greentexts. The stories were originally posted in the infamous website 4chan.org, which is the biggest English-speaking imageboard in the world, reaching up to 22 million visitors each month. The bad reputation of 4chan is largely contributed by its most popular board /b/ (random), but the site also includes discussion forums concerning topics such as lgbt, fashion and literature, and has a 30% female user base. It is the birthplace for some of the most notable Internet phenomena of today, and has spawned the likes of the hacker group Anonymous and the Internet memes.
The stories in the book were posted by the users of 4chan during 2010-2015. They are written in an internet evolved language that can be characterised as abrupt, statement-like Internet slang. Conceptually Be Me can be seen as the first book dealing with an actual Internet-borne literary genre. The stories describe absurd, once in a lifetime moments that we can all relate to, but for the most part hope will never have to actually face.
The collection consists of stories predominantly written by young male adults and due to its anonymous, online source gives an exceptional insight to a young mans psyche. The stories can be roughly be divided into comical or serious. The funny stories range from innocent to downright nasty, dealing with success and failure. There is for example the man who steals his ex-girlfriends dog to get her back, and another who stabs himself in order to avoid getting caught from drunk driving.
To counterbalance the laugh-out-loud moments, the book includes stories that are either heartwarming or distressing. There is the story of a boy who gives a blind girl a seldom moment of freedom with a wild piggyback ride, and the case of a lying mother who forbids a child of his father by telling him that he left them for another family, only for the son to find out the truth years later in his fathers funeral.
The book begins light and gradually intensifies towards the end. It finishes off with a heartbreaking story of a man who is being robbed of the last moments with his dying wife by his hateful stepmother. The very last story of the book describes a poetic, meaningless memory, leaving the reader in peace with the absurdity of the world.
In order to make reading experience as convenient as possible in any situation, the book was edited and formatted especially with the smartphone user in mind, letting the reader easily swipe from one story to the next (the book functions great on tablets and computers as well). The mobile reading aspect is also reflected on the price, which is set to the price range of a smartphone app rather than of a traditional book.
Anonymous 03/09/12(Tue)03:12:55 No.28362064
>23 days ago
>driving drunk as fuck, run a red light, ram into a fucking cop car at 20 mph
>cars are not too damaged
>drunk mind is scared as shit
>unable think of a reason, stab myself with my pocket knife before the cop comes over
>hide the knife in the glove box
>say “I have been stabbed officer”
>cop gives me a ride to the nearest hospital
Mfw crisis avoided.
Anonymous 06/03/14(Tue)18:02:51 No.26920121
>when she asks if you want the receipt, say only if her number is on it or something else cheesy
>Oh shit, this reminded me of a time when I crossed the autism threshold. Storytime.
>usually buy my weekly groceries at the same store
>there’s this maybe 7-8/10, not perfect but cute cashier
>she’s always smiling at me and making small talk and shit
>finally realize that she’s not just being nice
>she’s mirin hard
>gather all my courage and go to the store again
>buy my usual stuff and pick her line
>she offers me the receipt
>”How about you write your number on it?”
>she blushes bright red, writes down her number
>I smile and say I’ll call her
>I’m so euphoric I’m not thinking right
>I don’t usually hold on to receipts
>I glance at the receipt, crumple it and toss it in the trash bin by the door in full view from her
>panic and just walk out
>too embarrassed to ever go to that store again
Anonymous 06/20/11(Mon)21:05:44 No.335695449
>>in a bible camp
>>girl in a wheelchair, who is actually fucking hot as fuck, is sitting in her chair next to the sports field
>>I go up to her and ask if she’s ok
>>she say yeah, but obviously she’s a bit bored not being able to play
>>I get a tennis ball and we throw it back and forth
>>later on she texts me from her lodgings (girls and boys are in separate areas) asking if I wanna meet at sunset
>>meet the chick, she’s folded her chair and is sitting on a blanket so she doesn’t seem broken
>>2 hours later we’re kissing, I tear her clothes off, undress, and fuck her
>>it’s really hard to control her legs while I’m on my knees thrusting, as they are flopping about in my one free hand
>>see camp leaders coming close, I say “Fuck, run” and run away
>>mfw I later realize she was disabled and she was lying there naked when the bible leaders came around
Anonymous 07/20/14(Sun)00:27:43 No.557553041
>>walk by the den one day
>>computer is within view of the door
>>dad is on the computer, doesn’t hear me walk by
>>viewing some creepshots of milfy news anchors thighs on google images
>>can see he has 3 other pages pushed to the side from other porn sites. He’s viewing them all at once in a frenzy
>>chuckle, and walk away
>>week later I come in late at night, stoned like a cheating muslim woman
>>dad is standing in the kitchen with a baggie from my stash
>>”Anon, just what the hell is this?”
>>”…well, I can tell you what it’s not…a google search of your favourite news anchors thighs.”
>>dead silence hangs in the air, he gives me a nod and leaves the room
>>never speak about either incident again
Probably the closest father son moment we’ve ever had.
Anonymous 07/08/12(Sun)20:01:25 No.410969229
>>be a single father
>>find a sploof under my 15 year old son’s bed
>>not surprised that he’s smoking weed
>>see him and his friend come home once with clearly bloodshot eyes
>>remember reading here once about how a parent intentionally caught his son smoking weed, pretended to freak out and then smoked it right in front of him
>>think this would be a laugh and decide to replicate it
>>I go out every Saturday night and his friend is always there before I leave so I assume that’s when they smoke weed
>>tell them I’m leaving, drive off, park the car one block away and then walk back to the house
>>slowly enter through the back door and move my way towards his room quiet as a mouse
>>approaching his door I can smell the weed and get ready to go in
>>pull open the door really fast and I see my son sucking his friends dick
>>close door immediately and go lay on my bed for the rest of the night traumatized
>>still haven’t talked to him since then
Anonymous 04/23/14(Wed)02:24:34 No.543522159
>>walking home from a party late one evening
>>several guys were following me, as my drunk ass managed to piss them off by existing
>>try to walk faster, to no avail, as I’m drunk as shit
>>catch me in some random student neighbourhood
>>oh shit, my ass is about to be beaten
>>still in talking phase
>>lights flick on in a house
>>three guys in full musketeer garb walk out
>>leader is some blond guy with a beard, eyepatch, and some weird-ass accent
>>”What sort of ruffians would be accosting someone outside our residence? Stand and deliver!”
>>guys start yelling at them to fuck off, that I deserved to get my ass beaten
>>”Very well, then. Draw steel, you blackguard!”
>>all three of them draw rapiers on their belts
>>”I know not why those foul men sought your harm, but come and tell us the tale, stranger!”
>>spend remainder of evening drinking mulled wine with lunatics
>>bunch of Swedish re-enactors live there
>>blond guy is actually missing an eye; lost it in a machine shop accident
>>stagger home completely drunk with a hat I had no idea people like that existed. Or had the money to rent a house.
Anonymous 02/27/11(Sun)01:34 No.14058910
>>be 3 years old
>>standing in the living room next to leather sofa
>>for no apparent reason think to myself “I will remember this moment”
>be me a collection of greentexts is edited by > Aapo Nikkanen and it’s available in Amazon.
Price : 2.99 USD / 2.99 EUR / 1.99 GBP / 3.98 CA / 4.19 AU