Selfie stick Aerobics & Sex Tips
Rethinking Our Definition Of Sex
* Heterosexism debunked *
How many times have you faced the question during a conversation about hooking up with someone; “But did you have SEX?” ..a reference to the situations where vaginal or anal penetration occurred. A sentence that implies that any kind of sexual intimacy that doesn’t involve a penis doesn’t constitute intercourse, and that anything otherwise doesn’t “count”. Doing so is buying into some pretty traditional (read; heteronormative) concepts about what “sex” should to be, and from what acts “real” intimacy can evolve.. *sad face*
In this sense the idea of “forplay” is also a term that I find highly irritating.
Is penetration the only legitimate way to have sex? Of course not.
We need to stop defining sex by the heteronormative concept that “actual” sex involves a penis penetrating a vagina.
Our use of language and understanding in this sense is extremely excluding to LGBTTQ* sexual activity (side note: heterosexual sex is often privileged above other sexual acts cus of its association with reproduction LOL)
But what about a female-bodied person whose sexuality does not involve being penetrated? Are her sexual experiences somehow less valid?
Your personal interpretation may be different from anothers, but the point here is to expand the traditional definition. i.e just because female-female sex does not include penis-vagina penetration does not make that sex any less legitimate. This basically like ignores an ocean of other sexual possibilities, including LGBTQ couples, oral and anal sex, mutual masturbation, or sex toy play etc. etc. etccc.
I guess this refers to a similar conversation about our idea of “virginity” – our current concept of virginity shifts the sexual power balance in relation to men: If men are the ones who “take” women’s virginity (cuz a virginity can only be “taken” by a man…OBVI), they become empowered over women’s sexuality by default. I wrote more about this in a previous post about the purity myth.
Perhaps most importantly, we need to establish that even though there are many different ideas of what “sex” is, my definition of sex and your definition of sex can exist simultaneously. One doesn’t invalidate the other.
Part of rethinking the definition of sex has to include incorporating a more nuanced and more queer-friendly concept of sex and virginity that doesn’t serve to devalue the experience of any person or group of people.
Boothbitch’s Whats In My Bag?
Hey QT’s, ok so I got a fun email request the other day asking me to do a ‘Whats In My Bag’ post – so my bag has been hosting a lot of various crap through time, but here’s the *essentials* – lol here we go:
* Notebook and pens
– For remembering basically anything! and ofc for scribbly phone-call drawings!
– Always have a book in your bag! For like, emergency boredom or waiting impatiently for your date *and want to seam casual*. I’m reading ‘I Love Dick’ by Chris Kraus, which is also a great eye catcher in public, obvz!
* Various grooming material
– I like to work on my war paint during the day :@)
* Keys, iPhone, wallet
– a girls gotta live right?
– One thing(and prob only) I’ve learned from SATC is to always have a fresh pair of undies in your bag for unexpected slumber parties or sleepovers 😉
* Period Cup
– Same drill as having tampons in your bag, but as u guys know I’m a period cup preacher, I always have my Diva Cup in my bag for emergency, while my other one always stays home and hangs out in my bathroom.
* Uncategorised stuff
– The random range of things lying in the bottom of your bag. You know, like, trash or a hairy lollipop.
* Bonus! Selfie Stick
– I just got this for christmas and it will never leave my bag. No elaboration necessary.
It’s no secret- sex toys are my greatest *not so guilty* guilty pleasure.
Some say diamonds are a girls best friend…. in my case it’s silicone covered vibrating objects :@)
But looking for the perfect sex toys can be sooo overwhelming, like, where to begin and what to choose? *Urgh!*
My keyword is alway to go for toys that look the least like a real penis and more like undefined sculptures – these are usually the toys that are created best for a female’s sexual anatomy. Oh and don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating that you use a vibrator to replace your lover- however! I think that learning more about what you want is the key to so many things. Learning what turns you on and what doesn’t is something that requires practice- a lot! And what better way to practice than with yourself?
I’ve picked out three suggestions from LELO – a swedish intimate lifestyle company *AKA three good reasons why you should own a vibrator*
So, what these vibrators have in common (besides make you cum- obvi) : they’re rechargeable, made of soft and smooth silicone, most of them are waterproof, 8 vibration patterns with adjustable speeds. *sigh* What’s not to love?
’Siri’ the good vibration, sweet sensation
– This is probably the vibrator I reach for the most cus it makes me cum every time. It’s small and fits in the palm of your hand and has a rounded end which center the vibrations to your clit. I have worked my way through a various range of non-penetrative sex toys and this one is far the best. Experimenting with the vibration patterns can create different kinds of feeling and intenseness- Siri will never let you down! It’s also good for combining with a partner if you want to incorporate a toy or have difficulties reaching orgasms during sex.
* I recommend this if you are looking to buy your first vibrator or if clitoral stimulation is what your all about!
’Soraya’ the g-spot masterpiece
– Sex toys can look great and approaching, but the Soraya is probably the most beautiful vibrator you will ever find on the market. This lil honey even won a design prize! I got this when I wanted to find out *what the g-spot was all about* and the thing I really like about the Soraya is that it combines clit and g-spot stimulation – this vibrator has two motors which allows different speeds and patterns simultaneously. Once you get the hang of it, I promise you next level orgasms! Yes, I promise!
* I recommend this if you want to work on combining orgasms or explore your g-spot!
’Smart Wand’ the 2-in-1 power bliss
– So, this “neck massager” is for the hardcore clits out there. It’s a powerful fucker – it’s LELO’s version of a wand which usually looks more like a kitchen tool than a vibrator. This baby is double the trouble – it’s not only for masturbation but massaging your muscles too – og and I totally recommend taking a back massage session before going down low *winks* Cus of it’s big and firm head, it stimulates your whole area around the clit and labia and will give you what feels like a extended clitoral orgasm. This is the large version, but the smart wand comes in a smaller version too.
* I recommend this if you have a bad-ass clit made of steal or if you’re into getting off AND get a back massage!
Don’t forget that masturbation is healthy! Good vibes for everyone!
Boothbitch’s tips to people with vaginas*
~It is okay that your vagina doesn’t smell like roses, cuz it’s not supposed to!
I don’t know what I’ve been expecting all these years when it comes to my pussy, but I think I had the perception that it was supposed to smell like rainbows…or pretty much anything that makes people smile or gives off a widely adored scent. However, mine doesn’t smell like that, and for years it made me self-conscious.
It’s amazing (read: upsetting) how much misinformed sex-ed is out there for people with vaginas. Given how fascinated our society is with the female body…you’d think we’d be a little more informed, am I right?
Society is like, so obsessed with hyper sexualizing our bodies, especially the bodies of young women. Along the way, we’re at risk of seeing our bodies as the property of men/capitalism because we haven’t been supported in developing a sense of ownership over our own bodies.
We live under a systemic culture of shame which has prompted women to mutilate, bleach and douche their genitals to eliminate their natural shape, colour and smell.I recently read a post on a traditional media site trying to be “pro-body” encouraging what products girls should use for washing their vagina ******note: you wash your vulva and not vagina! Your vagina is your internal organ, inside your body and the vulva is your external organs. Got it?
OK yeah *duh*, no surprise bb, media subscribes misleading ideas of what you can or cannot do with your body and generate utopian ideals of body imageryand basically just reproduce capitalist ideas of consuming your way to happiness and embodied gendered comfort.
..but lets get one thing straight; not all women have vaginas or XX chromosomes and not all men have penis’ or XY chromosomes!
The most essential tip in this post for people with vaginas; DO WHATEVER FEELS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR BODY.
Like, this seams so basic in a way, but its so important and it’s not like, what we’re taught to do, ya know? Honestly I’m fed up with everything that is being communicated towards young females is constantly alerting stigmatized ideals – bottom line is, you know whats best for your body, cause your in it and dealing with it everyday- and I assure you, there is no marketing company that knows your body better than you :@)
And if any of you readers have healthy tips to include please(!) feel free to write me and I will add it- I’m interested in conveying information about female genitals that is actually correct- so lets talk clean happy pussy;
– Soap-free zone! If your vagina could talk it would have a lot to say, but most importantly it would tell you to “stop with the soap already!” Your vagina nor vulva does not want or need to be cleaned out with soap; respect its wishes! So don’t buy any product that tries to make you believe that it will keep your vag *odour free* and defiantly not products that make your vag smell like *insert artificial “feminine” smell* and the thing is– these products actually break down your natural PH balance 🙁 Your pussy is self cleaning baby, but you can help it along with some warm water when in the shower ‘n thats it! <3
– Use a menstrual cup instead of tampons and pads! yep, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again! There are endless reasons why you should get a period cup! You can decrease you chances of getting a yeast infection and Toxic Shock Syndrom (a bacteria that can cause serious illness), it’s environment friendly, you save loads of money, it can last up to 10 years, it holds more liquid, its a great way to get to know your body, ect! …You can read my post on menstrual cups here!
– If your environment is unstable… eat yoghourt! My environment is usually a bit unstable before my period arrives or when I get a new sex partner- simple things like your period or sex can set it off balance. Yoghurt shares the same healthy bacteria that is naturally found in a vagina! It will help you keep your PH-balance on fleek!
– Don’t be affraid to visit a gyno! Visit a gynecologist once a year to make sure everything is okay. Not only will this ensure you are clear of infections and STDs but a cervical exam is also a must. It’s also a good way to learn about your body and how it works! If it’s your first time, bring a friend or someone you trust, if you feel uncomfortable- I promise you it’s not as scary as it may seam!
(The other day I got this ask and I thought it might be a good topic to shead some light on)
The female virginity and why you actually never lost anything the first time you had sex
According to society, every female’s virginity is a status symbol of purity which works as a sort of measure of value, we are still lead to believe that our moral compass lies somewhere between our legs.
In our way of language we use terms such as “took”, “broke” or “lost” ones virginity.. deflowering.. popping the cherry etc. – when the only thing that should be popping is all these sex-negative ideas. Think about the connotation associated with these terms. It’s referring to ownership and you don’t own anyones sexual experience, ever. Its theirs 🙂 Basically the result of the concept of virginity being tied to human value is a symptom of patriarchal values and the ownership of women and girls as property. Urghh the thing is, you don’t exist to please men, and your value as a human being is not contingent or whatever upon your sexual capital. Having sex does not make you un-pure – lol cuz “purity” is a lie.
I would like to note that I am speaking about this subject in relation to heterosexuality because ‘virginity’ is a heteronormative concept and in many ways exclude non-heterosexual people/couples. This also has a lot to do about how we approach the meaning of a virginity = a vagina penetrated by a penis. This is looking at sex in such a limited way which I find really problematic. Sex is defined by many other different actions – and what about sex that doesn’t involve a penis? For the concept, this seams irrelevant which is just simply fucked up and creates societal attitudes and pressures.
Ok so to get the facts straight- yes the female vagina does consist of a thin hymen – all though(!) the hymen is not breaking (or stolen, or taken etc etc) it is simply just stretching and actually in most cases the hymen is already stretched years before ones first sexual encounter – it can be pretty much any activity like biking, horseback riding, masturbation etc.
Basically the point is that female virginity is nothing but a social construct – it is simply just another way for society to control the female sexuality into submissiveness and it’s bullshit. The concept of virginity is sexist, slut-shaming and sex negative. You don’t lose anything during your sexual debut – you gain an experience (and maybe even an orgasm *winks*)
*ASK THE CUTIE, BEFORE YOU TOUCH THE BOOTY*
Introducing sexual communication and why consent isn’t sexy.
Hey all my lovely bb’s out there! So, I wanna talk to u about consent! I will try get around the topic over a couple of forthcoming posts. I’ll start with an introduction to consent and how it’s advertised in contemporary media. hope u enjoy<3
OK so lets get one thing straigh; consent isn’t sexy – it shouldn’t be sexy – cuz’ bottom line, it’s absolutely crucial. Like, it’s this fucked up idea that the only way to ‘sell’ consent is popular culture, is to ~sex it up~ That the only way to get peoples attention to consent is to primarily link it to the idea of sexiness, of getting laid, of being attractive. And by saying consent is ‘sexy’ we are almost implying that it’s preferable BUT not necessary. This capitalist idea of *sex sells* is so old and sexist, honestly I think its time to retire #byeee
‘Consent is sexy’ really does play into rape culture. It is focusing on the wrong part of what consent should actually mean. Giving consent means you are trusting someone with your body, your pleasure, trusting someone to respect your boundaries, to meet your fantasies and limits. Consent is intrinsically linked to other concepts such as respect and consideration for others. It shouldn’t be reduced down to such basic terms as ‘sexy.’ Anything less than fully informed consent is assault. So let’s not dress it up or trivialise it, ok
Rapists don’t rape because consent isn’t sexy enough; they rape because they feel entitled and protected. A rapist believes they are entitled to another persons body, regardless of that persons wishes, and that whatever they do, they can get away with it. We need consent because 1/3 women will experience sexual violence and thats a fact 🙁
Teaching the importance of consent should be as natural as teaching other common fundamental rights. Like, if we teach someone that sex is an experience to be shared – rather than an an achievement to be made – then it makes sense that they would aspire to mutual satisfaction, and not encourage non-consensual sex. So if we wanna break down a culture that makes and contains rapists, the key isn’t rebranding consent– it’s refreshing our moral understanding and start seeing rights to bodies differently.
FYI: access to another person’s body is always a privilege, never a right.
While reading on subject online, sexual consent is mainly defined by a ‘check list’ – heres what I got together: Consent is….
Active…never passive! It’s expressed through words or actions that create mutually understandable permission. Just because a partner didn’t say no, doesn’t mean they have given consent *AKA* the absence of a no does not equal a yes – only “yes” means yes. Consent is never implied. Clothing or an attitude does not determine consent (the term ‘was asking for it’ may seam familiar, aigh?)
Based on equal power if someone is a sleep or in another vulnerable position (i.e underaged, drunk, under your authority, etc.) they cannot consent.
A choice we must make sure our partners feel free to say “yes” or “no” without pressure. If we arn’t willing to take “no” for an answer, consent cannot happen. Consent is not obtained through emotional manipulation nor physical violence or threat. Consent is never given under pressure.
A Process consent requires ongoing conversations with trust. Just because someone says yes to i.e. making out, doesn’t mean they wan’t to do anything else. Consent is freedom to change your mind at any time. Nothing is a given. Consent must be granted every time.
Consensual communication means freely and fully given consent where both persons needs, wants and desires are an integrated part of the interaction ^_^
Consent has no #BLURREDLINES
Words and Img’s by Maja Malou Lyse, aka BoothBitch.
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